At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
The Lamont Hall at LDEO (A campus of Columbia University that reminds me of UBC) is apparently a library now where I am accessing the Internet from....
A deer and I were just staring at each other until the guy ran away not too far from the picture...
If there is one person I am most afraid of on this planet to me at this point... guess who?
Yet, it would be me myself. 8-O lol
So, I let myself be a drama queen and whine and whined and whined... reminiscene about the times past while the time is, no doubt, always passing by.
It was either Saturday night and Sunday morning... when that drama queen part of me intents to come out and become, I guess, the daily queen... 8-O
OMG... The pending departure in less than a month if ain't no nothing happens... above and beyond all the other blah blah blah....
Sad... hurt... depressed... and so on, so forth...
Finally, I really was not about to entertain it any more...
So to myself I said... something like...
"If you can't enjoy the remaining time in New York and consider it a chance to live your life in New York, you don't deserve to stay and I am gonna go and book the cheapest flight tomorrow to shuffle your sorry behind right off this continent since you can be sorry anywhere. Stop it already." 8-O 8-X lol
It is not like I won't allow myself to feel bad etc. That would be counter productive.
It is more like... it doesn't make sense for me to make myself feel more miserable or worst off than the appropriate quota... If I were to over do it, I am simply entrapping myself in unnecessary misery and I won't even get any sympathy, empathy, and whatever-athy--- except for apathy--- from myself for such stupidity. 8
More importantly, have I done everything I could do and have I been responsible for myself? I think so....
Not to mention, ok, not to discount your predicament, but... there are plenty of people who are worst off.
I must have gotten myself really scared and da drama queen stopped.
Then, when melancholy comes to visit, I still welcome it and entertain it since it is entitled to its place. When I think I get it entertain well enough, with due respect, I say...
"Come again if you want but right now I've got to say bye bye."
Intuitively, this would be the most logical solution... 8-O lol
Whether I am really doing what I think I am trying to do is another issue...
Some interesting progression in my cognitive processing in recent times... and as the dosage gradually went down in recent months...
First, I finally was able to convince myself that... How is it anybody else's business what the heck is in my mind?
A bit later, I finally was able to think... "How is it anybody else's business what the heck I write in my private blog since it is but a private journal for myself?
In even more recent time, finally, "How is it anybody else's business what the heck it is that comes out of my mouth if I am not talking to them?"
So, I was asked this question...
"What make you think so?"
"Oh... because I am psychotic. It is the most fundamental of the condition." 8-O 8-X lol
Then, in even more recent days, something this friend of mine once had me told kept on popping to my mind...
It was before I was labeled as psychotic.... over a decade ago now...
One day, I was sitting at the bar. A few seats away sat this other regular. We had been hanging out at the same bar for quite a while then...
Each every move and look of his told me that he knew something....
Finally, I collected enough "courage" and asked him this question....
"Have you ever heard anyone talking about me recently?"
My poor friend apparently was interrupted from his own train of thoughts and gave me that embarrassing look...
"I am so sorry! I have been having so much trouble at home that I have not been paying anybody else any mind."
Since normal people can't quite tell me how they think and since this seems to be an example of how normal people act and think...
So I think to myself.... maybe the next task to learn about how to be normal is... "I am having so much problem keeping up with what is in my own "house" that I can't be paying nobody else's no mind." lol oops...
Believe it or not though... personally, I prefer to believe such progression as an improvement somehow... Of course... only time could tell.... remember... emerging vs forcing... except for.. not quite easy a task... especially when you are using an "invalid" instrument as an evaluation measure... such this whatever-it-is head of mine... 8-O 8-X lol sigh
My learning to let go is like playing Mafia War...
When I was under level 400 or 500, I tried really hard to level up and always ponder what it would be like to be at a higher level.
After a certain level, I stop pondering since...
Come on... what is the point since, don't bust your head too hard over it since, as long as you keep on playing, today's level up would always be tomorrow's lower level. 8-O
Some days you even forget to level up because I was busy cooking or training my dog.... or checking out beauty products. 8-O lol
My Mafia War view at level 653... not too high... not really low... sort of somewhere in the middle...
Wonder whether it is the maxima/minima or again local maxima/minima?
1 month or two after my June 19th, 2007 accident, mama cooked me an egg and let me cracked the egg open and eat it... 8-O lol
What it symbolizes is the idea of 脫竅 or 脫殼... essentially... get rid of the bad... bad... bad...
or
Unfortunately, the egg my mama cooked that day was still raw and not yet done.... 8-O lol
It was around this hour 3 years ago when the chair collapsed... and my whole life shattered with it...
I lost everything.... essentially my health and who I thought myself was or was to be.
While everyone else is busy building their career, wealth, smart, etc, I was busy trying to find ways to piecemeal my body and mind together.
OK, I know it is exaggeration, but, I suspect that sometimes it is only healthy to allow myself to be a drama queen once for a while for the sake of it. It is because... come on... when can I be "authorized" to mourn about my lost functionalities in my knees, shoulders, neck, back and head... especially when now the worker's com case has closed and I have sold my body for money (shoulders and knees only since nobody wants to pay for my back 8-O lol sigh)? (And, yes, FYI... you don't get compensated for your pains and suffering. You also don't get compensated for your back in scenarios like mine. You only get compensated for permanent damages in your shoulders and knees. It is simply the law. Please noted that here... I am focusing on what I lost.)
So I decided to cook myself an egg this afternoon.... I cracked it open and ate it. So I took a second to investigate the boiled egg... This time, it is ready... (and I hope so since the egg is already in my stomach and I don't really want to eat this thousand year old egg raw... 8-O lol)
What is the purpose?
Guess, it is a ritual.
A ritual I participate in to help myself let go of the past.
I know that the arrival of June 19th, 2010 will not gonna bring forth a miracle... (I know I am certified crazy... but you think I am stupid?! 8-O lol)
I know I still can not run and I can only walk as fast as my body allow me to... etc.
I am still psychotic while symptoms manageable at a "really" low dose.
Yet, it is a benchmark for me.
Also, most importantly, I am still kicking...
And, the shell-cracking of a cooked egg and the act of eating it is not going to shrink me a whole size so that I can look like them skinny toothpicks on the street.
To be honest, my recent venture into exfoliation from head to toe might do a more real kind of job to help me get rid of my dead skin... and that is part of the ritual as well... 8-O lol
However, so far as I am concerned...
All else I might and might not accomplish with blah blah blah blah blah...
One thing I am sure is... and I just realized is... that...
That egg you saw me eating and was actually cooked well... neither too raw or too old...
That egg was the first egg I boiled in my entire life so far and I did not realize until today that I have never boiled an egg by myself in my entire life... unless... oh... my bad memory... Did I forget? 8-O lol 8-X
Years back, this friend of mine had me told... something like...
"You are too much influenced by your mental health condition."
At a much younger and more understanding age, I responded with something along the line... Human development.
Speaking of the power of environmental impact on human development... nature + nurture...
2-3 years later, I have developed low tolerance for BS or what I consider as BS (well, if everyone is entitled to their opinion, I am entitled to be opinionated as well and in exercising my right to judge things as bull or not, I guess).
If it were today, I would have shut him up even before he could voice that opinion with...
"Cut the bull. I am not gonna entertain that."
Although this might have something to do with the dosage of 25 mg which is essential in keeping me in touch with reality and a sense of self.... 8-X lol
Such is one of the developmental outcome for having lived through the last 3 years.... not like it is any better or any worse... just the way it is. 8-O lol sigh
It is some time and the duration of time for some significant benchmark in my life.
It took me 3 years to get my junior and senior high school diploma.
I went to Taiwan university for 3 years. Afterwards, I spent 3, in retrospective, interesting time in Vancouver, BC.
The most haunted 3 years in my life so far... would be the last 3 years minus 2...
I have not looked back for the longest time since, I guess, I always knew that, when the time comes, I will look back. Before that, let me keep going while trying my best to smell the roses along the way.
Sort of like how the song went... "人說這人生 海海海海路好行 不通回頭望 望著會茫"... You might get too dizzy when looking back...
Today is the day for me to look back after paying St. John the Divine a visit earlier in the afternoon.
Somewhere in the afternoon of June 19th, 2007, I was in a meeting, eating a piece of raisin bran cookie. The chair collapsed into one piece right underneath me.
The breaking point that set off a journey-- continuing-- into total physical disability and eventually mental disability with pains, struggles and sufferings as the collateral damages.
After I got home that night, my mama was really upset...
"Thank God it was me who took the fall. Not anyone else at the meeting."
Gotta be Percocet talking... or my sheer ignorance about what is yet to unfold...
In retrospective, if the fall would have taken the same amount of toll on anyone else, I should have let someone else from outside of the college to take the fall so that they can get both worker's compensation and sue someone's behind... which I am not going to name, for negligence. 8-O lol sigh
A quote in "I am crazy"-- Lover's Discourse by Roland Barthes
"insane in my own eyes (I know my delirium), simply unreasonable in the eyes of someone else, to whom I quite sanely describe my madness: conscious of this madness, sustaining a discourse upon it..."
"Je suis fou"-- Les' Fragments d'un discours amoureux'de Roland Barthes
"insensé à mes propres yeux (je connais mon délire), simplement déraisonnable aux yeux d’autrui, à qui je raconte très sagement ma folie : conscient de cette folie, tenant discours sur elle." (Je suis fou)
Found some quotes cited in the book "Now is the Time" at Barnes and Noble today.
“If you are going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill
And, in my scenario, if ever I were in hell, I somehow must have helped out building my own hell and I simply have to try my best to walk myself out of it.
Could this be why I walk so much? 8-O
Other quotes used in this book:
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Steve Jobs
"To love someone deeply gives you strength; being loved by someone deeply give you courage." Lao Tse (8-O)
"All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire but my heart is exclusively my own." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising every time we fall." Confucius (8-O)
"Courage is the mastry of fear, not the absence of fear." Mark Twain.
"I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet." Jewish proverb.
"It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic." Winston Churchill
"To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others." Buddha
"Better to lose the anchor than to lose the whole ship."
"Let the dead past bury its dead." Henry Wadsworth Longfallow
"It is a good divine that follows his own instructions." Shakespeare
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." Victor Frankl
"Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance." Epicurus
"It's a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense." Robert Ingersoll
"Experiences is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." Randy Pausch
"The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to." F. Scott Fitzgerald
A toast to the past and treat the not so easy past you would like to let go as a really bad hangover.... 8-O Nothing really to be proud of but that I know... bad hangovers... 8-O lol 8-X
So... 以茶代酒... I raise my cup of chamomile and lavender tea for a toast to a past I am forgoing.... especially the discard-able part of the past 3 years... the pains, suffering and struggles, which I am, maybe, finally, acknowledging... not to mention the cold air, esophagus spasm, the running a train station in my head and all other mental and physical conditions.
I am done suffering.... so suffering... go away.. go away... bad bad bad... go away... 8-O
My life from now on has to be simply joyful and happy since I think I am very much done with my quota. 8-O lol
God bless me, my house, all my family and all my lotteries. 8-O lol
Whit
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Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
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On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
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Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
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A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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